Scary Clown being sought by police

According to Fox News, an individual disguised as a scary clown frightened an eleven year school boy as he was riding his bike near Pine Ridge High School in Deltona, Florida. The unidentified clown jumped out from bushes in an attempt to scare the lad. The eleven year old assaulted the individual numerous times with a piece of metal described as a “selfie-stick” but was not charged because of his claim of self defense. According to police the clown attempted to grab the child after the assault but later returned to his hiding place. The clown’s identity remains a mystery.

Highway Troopers Suspended

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Two highway patrol troopers were suspended after retaliating against the owner of a local donut shop in Palm City, CA. According to the investigative report, the troopers were seen placing this road sign on the only highway into the small coastal town without authorization.  Gabriel Cambel, the owner of the Donut Emporium, a popular breakfast stop that opened last May, noted that sales plummeted in the following weeks before it was removed by local authorities.  One of the suspended officers, Frank Bartlett, a twelve year veteran, claimed that he and his partner were the victims of an irate hippie that had secretly put ketchup in their jelly donuts. The matter is under investigation.

 

Ethics Complaint-Jack Meoff

1New evidence was released in a grievance hearing concerning Edward Crilan’s complaint of inadequate representations in connection with recent conviction for armed robbery. Public defender, Jack Meoff produced a video of his initial consultation with Crilan. The tape had been filed under seal. After reviewing the full video, the court released the following redacted version.

News Flash-Hamburg Germany

 

Hamburg, Germany

World leaders at the G-20 erupted in anger in response to a motion filed by the newly established constitutional monarchy off a small island in Greece. A representative from the new Kingdom of Eauclaire filed the motion demanding the country have the final say on all matters. The anger turned violent as smaller countries demanded equal rights. The angry participants continued their debate in a nearby park and well into the night until the arrest of two particpants, after which, the crowd dispursed.

The Danger of the Prank

The serene community of Pepperige, NH was disturbed by the media frenzy surrounding allegations of a disgruntled school teacher, Annie Archrey.  Police reports indicate an unusual complaint was filed by the Department of Children and Families (DCF) against the parents a child. The teacher reported that the child, a fourth grade student was instructing her classmates on the use of an over the counter laxative. The teacher also informed the social worker of her belief that the family had been indoctrinated into a strange cult that might cause further injury to the child.

Police and swat teams obtained search warrants for the parents residence and examined the hard drives of the various computers used by different family members. When questioned by the police, the parents informed them that they had ‘pranked’ their child. The prank did involve informing the child that the lyrics of an older pop song (Don’t Fear the Reaper) did not suggest ‘death’ but, rather ‘poop’, and the associated problems surrounding irritable bowel syndrome.  When they disclosed this deception, the child seemed more amused than annoyed; They did admit to being members of several groups surrounding the activity of skydiving and were well known at the establishment in Pepperige.

Search warrants were obtained and executed at the ‘drop zone’ – the term used by the participants – for the business records pertaining to the local business. These documents revealed that the establishment had been in the area for several decades. There were reports of several serious injuries and death over that period. The records reflected that the owners and participants were generally cooperative but very secretive about the residents living in a small congregation of motor homes located on the compound. The area was referred to as the ‘ghetto’ by the management and all involved participants.  Over the years there had been several  complaints by neighbors that collectively described what could be called a ‘spontaneous eruption of frivolity’ that appeared to occur with no rhyme or reason. The manager was less than cooperative and when asked of the nocturnal habits of these residents was less than candid. Her response was “well, they drink beer and . . . um, drink more beer”.

It was discovered that the initial complaint was filed by a disgruntled teacher who lived across the river. The reports indicate that the gentle bovine creatures that dwelled in her pasture were frequently disturbed by the noise of airplanes, parachutes, and yelling of the participants during business hours. There were several incidents of individuals landing in a fenced area in defiance of the no trespassing signs that were clearly posted on the property. Most of these cases resulted in convictions and the imposition of fines on the involved miscreants.

Two days following the initial complaint, several students came forward and reported that they were aware of the plot and assisted in its execution. Their initial glee turned to horror as the events unfolded before them. When the ruse was discovered, they all admitted the role each had performed.

State police and government officials have been annoyed, irritated and confused as to the best method to address the problems associated with these types of mischief. The wide availability of the numerous Humor Policies adopted by state agencies and private enterprises suggest that the problem is as widespread as it as the solutions are diverse. The lessons of the family described above are a sad reminder of the consequences of meaningless folly. Parents are urged to address this problem in the home so that these events can be avoided in the future.

Kareem Ablesonwho-Obituary

,Kareem.

The residence of Cawker City, Iowa were saddened at the loss of one to the small town’s largest attractions. His name was Kareem Ablesonwho. He had grown up in a tiny seaside village named Sum Yung Gie, on the  eastern coast of Japan. His rise to stardom began at his birth where at 22.8 lbs. he was recognized by the Guinness Book of World Records as the largest baby born. It was believed by most of his teachers and classmates that this event had inspired his fierce competitive nature that was both feared and respected; as his body kept increasing in size and mass he had reached 6’8’’ and the impressive weight of 585 lbs. when he entered high school. By the time his education ended, he had grown three inches taller and added another 87 lbs. By the time of death, he was only referred to as Kareem of Sum Yung Gie – the largest man that ever lived; he will be remembered as such until that record is eclipsed by another.

Despite his massive proportions, he is remembered by his kindness and compassion toward children and small animals. Even as a child, the family’s pets were in constant jeopardy and scattered as they saw this gigantic human steam roller approached them. Several were accidently injured and killed when unfortunate enough to be in his path of destruction. Over the years several complaints were made of animal abuse but were quickly recognized by the authorities as misguided acts of kindness and excused the conduct. In his chosen profession, his intentions were clearly less benign as his massive frame, coupled with his cat like reflexes and unrestrained passion, were on display as he intentionally did to his opponents what he inadvertently did to anything that stood in his way. The records established will inspire all young athletes and define their dreams.

After retiring from his professional career as a sumo wrestler, he, along with his younger brother Kwum, established the Makuuchi Training School for Overweight Children, which was instrumental in the research being conducted by the Japanese government concerning the problems of obesity in young children.  When asked for a statement, Kwum, now retired and living in Sum Yung Gie, was saddened to hear the news. Although estranged after the financial fallout, his brother had reconnected with him shortly before his death. By that time, Kareem’s health was deteriorating. The large doors that had been designed to accommodate his girth were now too small and his small modest home had become a prison. By the time they reestablished contact, the older brother was confined to bed. The frequent Skype chats were constantly interrupted by endless stream of caterers, merchants and doctors that were needed to attend the complex needs of this former warrior.

The modest furniture in his small prison gradually disappeared and was replaced by a commercial freezer, three commercial refrigerators, and an industrial oven to prepare the eight scheduled meals and any necessary snacks needed to quell his insatiable appetite. Even this was not enough as three gas grills and a smoker were setup up in the yard to accommodate his ever-increasing daily needs. The small yard of the palace that had become his prison was now run down. His sparkling gold Cadillac, with a bold blue letter S painted on each door sat idle and in disrepair as the weeds and small trees begun grow through the rusted coupe that had once been his trademark. The mourning bystanders walked quietly around the property,  All were saddened that no longer could they say: “look at that S car go” during his frequent outings of his earlier days.

Both brothers were financially ruined by the legal costs surrounding the marketing of their diet and exercise programs. They were not quick enough to market their business plan and the business plan was quickly exploited by others. At the end of six years, all parties had tired of the intense battles and quietly settled the matter. He was supported by the small royalties and a modest pension provided by former his former members. He received contributions from his frequent attendants and the curious visitors stopping to visit the nearby “Largest Ball of Yarn” three doors down. The cheery  “Welcome to the Biggest Small Town in America” is no longer accurate. To correct that problem, in lieu of flowers donors are urge to contribute to the 873 lb. bronze statue to be forged in his honor.