Posted on

Kareem Ablesonwho-Obituary

,Kareem.

The residence of Cawker City, Iowa were saddened at the loss of one to the small town’s largest attractions. His name was Kareem Ablesonwho. He had grown up in a tiny seaside village named Sum Yung Gie, on the  eastern coast of Japan. His rise to stardom began at his birth where at 22.8 lbs. he was recognized by the Guinness Book of World Records as the largest baby born. It was believed by most of his teachers and classmates that this event had inspired his fierce competitive nature that was both feared and respected; as his body kept increasing in size and mass he had reached 6’8’’ and the impressive weight of 585 lbs. when he entered high school. By the time his education ended, he had grown three inches taller and added another 87 lbs. By the time of death, he was only referred to as Kareem of Sum Yung Gie – the largest man that ever lived; he will be remembered as such until that record is eclipsed by another.

Despite his massive proportions, he is remembered by his kindness and compassion toward children and small animals. Even as a child, the family’s pets were in constant jeopardy and scattered as they saw this gigantic human steam roller approached them. Several were accidently injured and killed when unfortunate enough to be in his path of destruction. Over the years several complaints were made of animal abuse but were quickly recognized by the authorities as misguided acts of kindness and excused the conduct. In his chosen profession, his intentions were clearly less benign as his massive frame, coupled with his cat like reflexes and unrestrained passion, were on display as he intentionally did to his opponents what he inadvertently did to anything that stood in his way. The records established will inspire all young athletes and define their dreams.

After retiring from his professional career as a sumo wrestler, he, along with his younger brother Kwum, established the Makuuchi Training School for Overweight Children, which was instrumental in the research being conducted by the Japanese government concerning the problems of obesity in young children.  When asked for a statement, Kwum, now retired and living in Sum Yung Gie, was saddened to hear the news. Although estranged after the financial fallout, his brother had reconnected with him shortly before his death. By that time, Kareem’s health was deteriorating. The large doors that had been designed to accommodate his girth were now too small and his small modest home had become a prison. By the time they reestablished contact, the older brother was confined to bed. The frequent Skype chats were constantly interrupted by endless stream of caterers, merchants and doctors that were needed to attend the complex needs of this former warrior.

The modest furniture in his small prison gradually disappeared and was replaced by a commercial freezer, three commercial refrigerators, and an industrial oven to prepare the eight scheduled meals and any necessary snacks needed to quell his insatiable appetite. Even this was not enough as three gas grills and a smoker were setup up in the yard to accommodate his ever-increasing daily needs. The small yard of the palace that had become his prison was now run down. His sparkling gold Cadillac, with a bold blue letter S painted on each door sat idle and in disrepair as the weeds and small trees begun grow through the rusted coupe that had once been his trademark. The mourning bystanders walked quietly around the property,  All were saddened that no longer could they say: “look at that S car go” during his frequent outings of his earlier days.

Both brothers were financially ruined by the legal costs surrounding the marketing of their diet and exercise programs. They were not quick enough to market their business plan and the business plan was quickly exploited by others. At the end of six years, all parties had tired of the intense battles and quietly settled the matter. He was supported by the small royalties and a modest pension provided by former his former members. He received contributions from his frequent attendants and the curious visitors stopping to visit the nearby “Largest Ball of Yarn” three doors down. The cheery  “Welcome to the Biggest Small Town in America” is no longer accurate. To correct that problem, in lieu of flowers donors are urge to contribute to the 873 lb. bronze statue to be forged in his honor.

Leave a Reply